Story of My Life
Let me start off by saying that I am an amazing writer, so I could write my autobiography by myself — but I am just so busy actually living a life that needs to be autobiographized, that I need to hire someone else to write my autobiography for me.
I was racking my brain trying to figure out how I was going to get this great opportunity out to the literary genius’ of the world, and I figured that the best way was to search the internet — where proper grammar and punctuation rule supreme. I’m sure that the next Orwell or Swift is spending their free time trolling the internet looking for an amazing opportunity such as this.
I’m sure you’re all sitting there wondering, “What makes this mans life so amazing that it would need to be written down in words?” That is a great question, and I will answer it right now. I’ve lead an amazing life — next question.
Remember how when Bill Clinton released that book about his life that he, for whatever reason, titled My Life and everyone was like “wow — Bill Clinton has done enough interesting stuff that he can fill 1056 pages!” Well, when my book comes out people are going to be like “Who the f**k is Bill Clinton!” Cause I think that my autobiography should be at least double the length of Bill Clinton’s, and three times as interesting.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking — well not too much time, because I usually pay people to do my thinking for me — about what should be in my autobiography. I’ve decided that there should be a lot of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll — cause that’s the kind of stuff that sells. People like to hear about guys who just hook up will all these hot chicks — I should be the kind of character that can just walk up to a chick and be all like “Hey there sexy lady” and then all they want to do is go back to my house with two of their friend and have a foursome. That’s what this Autobiography should be about.
I’ve also been playing a lot with the title of the book — because lets admit that the title sells the book, that and the cover (which will have me posed like Fabio on the cover of a cheesy Jude Devereaux novel) — and I think I’ve come up with a couple winners
‘Ruling with an Iron Fist’
‘This is the only book you’ll ever need to read’
‘Sex’
‘Stop — now read this entire book’
Those are just a few samples of what I think it should be called. They all sum up how amazing my life has been, and how amazing this book is going to be.
Now, not to get ahead of myself, but this book is probably going to be optioned into a film — that’s why it would be great if you have experience writing screenplays as well. Though I would like the theatrical version of my autobiography to be a musical, along time lines of Les Mis, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Avenue Q, and High School Musical 2. I’ve always felt that my life should be more musical, and I figure the best way to do this is to make my life into a musical.
So I hope you are all intrigued by this opportunity, and I look forward to hearing everyones ideas about how they will write my life to be the most exciting it could be. We will discuss compensation once I pick the best writer — though really the opportunity to write such an amazing life should be compensation enough. Please forward at least two samples of awesome writing that you have done — any less will result in you being left out of the running.
