Greg Orwen is Your Hero

In Fact, Yes, I am a Billionaire

Dear Internet Girl,

I’m sure it charms you to know that I am, in fact, a billionaire — and I bet you didn’t think you’d stumble across one trolling the pages of craigslist as you were.  I admire you for going after what you want in life, which I assume is to be the mistress to a wealthy billionaire, because do you know how I came to be a billionaire — exactly, I went after what I wanted in life.  Which if you didn’t get, cause some people don’t have my Mensa level IQ, was to be a billionaire and have a number of mistresses.

Obviously, because I am a billionaire, I don’t spend all my time in Vancouver — most of my time is spent traveling from some exotic city to another exotic city.  But I do spend most of my, billion dollar, down time in a nice mansion in Vancouver.  Why Vancouver you may ask, great question.  I’ll add onto your question by saying, how many billionaires actually live in Vancouver?  That is a great addition to your already great question.  The answer, not a lot.  And that is exactly why I want to live in Vancouver — because I am one of those extreme billionaires, like Richard Branson — only like ten times as extreme.  And what’s more extreme than living in Vancouver, that’s right — Very little.

Now that you know a little about me.  I won’t tell you my exact net worth, but let’s just say it’s in the billions.  I would love to take you out for an overly expensive, completely self-indulgent dinner.  And who knows, if we really hit it off, maybe we will end up back on my private jet — flying to one of my many private islands.

Of course, because I am so wealthy, and therefore quite recognizable, discretion would be the utmost importance.  Therefore you could not tell your girlfriends, or mom, that you were the exclusive mistress to a billionaire.  In return for your discretion, I would lavish you with tons and tons of presents — mostly expensive ones, but sometime sentimental ones.  Because I am a billionaire, but a billionaire with a heart.

Now I know it will probably be hard for you to make your decision, without knowing exactly how many billions of dollars I have — But I guess trusting me is the first step in building what will obviously be quite a successful relationship.

Yours Truly,

Random Billionaire On The Internet.

Story of My Life

Let me start off by saying that I am an amazing writer, so I could write my autobiography by myself — but I am just so busy actually living a life that needs to be autobiographized, that I need to hire someone else to write my autobiography for me.

I was racking my brain trying to figure out how I was going to get this great opportunity out to the literary genius’ of the world, and I figured that the best way was to search the internet — where proper grammar and punctuation rule supreme. I’m sure that the next Orwell or Swift is spending their free time trolling the internet looking for an amazing opportunity such as this.

I’m sure you’re all sitting there wondering, “What makes this mans life so amazing that it would need to be written down in words?” That is a great question, and I will answer it right now. I’ve lead an amazing life — next question.

Remember how when Bill Clinton released that book about his life that he, for whatever reason, titled My Life and everyone was like “wow — Bill Clinton has done enough interesting stuff that he can fill 1056 pages!” Well, when my book comes out people are going to be like “Who the f**k is Bill Clinton!” Cause I think that my autobiography should be at least double the length of Bill Clinton’s, and three times as interesting.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking — well not too much time, because I usually pay people to do my thinking for me — about what should be in my autobiography. I’ve decided that there should be a lot of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll — cause that’s the kind of stuff that sells. People like to hear about guys who just hook up will all these hot chicks — I should be the kind of character that can just walk up to a chick and be all like “Hey there sexy lady” and then all they want to do is go back to my house with two of their friend and have a foursome. That’s what this Autobiography should be about.

I’ve also been playing a lot with the title of the book — because lets admit that the title sells the book, that and the cover (which will have me posed like Fabio on the cover of a cheesy Jude Devereaux novel) — and I think I’ve come up with a couple winners

‘Ruling with an Iron Fist’

‘This is the only book you’ll ever need to read’

‘Sex’

‘Stop — now read this entire book’

Those are just a few samples of what I think it should be called. They all sum up how amazing my life has been, and how amazing this book is going to be.

Now, not to get ahead of myself, but this book is probably going to be optioned into a film — that’s why it would be great if you have experience writing screenplays as well. Though I would like the theatrical version of my autobiography to be a musical, along time lines of Les Mis, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Avenue Q, and High School Musical 2. I’ve always felt that my life should be more musical, and I figure the best way to do this is to make my life into a musical.

So I hope you are all intrigued by this opportunity, and I look forward to hearing everyones ideas about how they will write my life to be the most exciting it could be. We will discuss compensation once I pick the best writer — though really the opportunity to write such an amazing life should be compensation enough. Please forward at least two samples of awesome writing that you have done — any less will result in you being left out of the running.

A Message From The Webmaster

Please bare with me — I had a complete design for the site ready to upload, and then Sir Greg told me that it needed 110% more Spectacle — cause the internet generation is Hip.

Working on the Spectacle….

Good PR

My publicist’s, manager’s, agent’s, and lawyer’s informed me that it would be a good idea to have a presence on this internet thing that I created.

Also I am aware of how interested most people are in my day to day activities.